They are structures built of possibilities and dreams. I carefully downloaded and printed and accumulated the information they requested. They are carnies calling out to me as I try my hardest to just keep walking, eyes focused on the sidewalk, the sky, anything but these homes. I blast my music and think and walk like it's my job.
I dusted off my LinkedIn account. And then the guilt starts. On our first morning, Justin was long gone to the pencil factory when I got the children up. I have before and during pics but I'm still scared to share them on a public platform. Because my laptop was dying. You know how it is when you read something that creates such a vivid mental picture it actually freaks you out a little bit? I hated my last name as a kid.
One thing I've discovered, on this road back to my roots, is that I don't hate my last name anymore. If it did, we'd not be able to exhale without breathing on one. Even though there's less of my physical being, I am the same freaking person I was a few months ago. I did a good job of holding my tongue for many years. And what aspect of the German economic miracle would I be exploring, I wondered? I let myself be held, turning inward. I will do this, I swear on all that is good and holy- I will get a house and I will plant those gd lilacs.
We are called to serve. Or maybe it's something I just have to heed. God help me I am powerless over the booty. There were years I took my mom's words as the gospel truth.
But I remember thinking how awesome it was going to be, to get married and find out what life was like without a cringey surname. They have very unique names. Yes, my friends, I got all of this from reading a tiny snippet of words in a book about serial killers. A few glances now and then, some actual banter at the gym.
All the times I was close enough to someone to feel their heartbeat in my bones, hear the warm comfortable rumble of a deep voice at its wellspring. I found a pro-bono attorney and for almost 6 years tried to get him to help take care of his kids. It's almost enough to lure me back into the dating scene. A ghost who was so spectacularly screwed over that my credit, like my sense of self and the hope of ever truly, I mean- wholly-recovering, is irretrievably broken. While our children were up a tree with no one helping them down, I had coffee with some of the nursery mothers.
Who could argue with that? Not long after I had written about him, and approximately four years after we dated. He was a dad and a son and a metal head and now he's gone. You will receive lots of advice, whether you want to, or not. Of course this newfound and somewhat unsettling attention provokes a little righteous indignation with me. Three of them live at home two in college full-time because they are trying to save money. I'm enjoying a rare day off.
I have only watched it once and that was when I decided to start working on getting healthier. Funny thing, though, is it didn't really end in 2006. Part of me still wonders what if? God only knows what will happen in the next decade: do we become like vampires who can't even see our own reflections? Did Timmy fall down the well or is there a 50 year old woman nearby? I go to the gym almost every day. The worst part of this gross trend yeah to me it's gross is that some women will look at themselves and their lives and and their situations and wonder why the hell they can't just pull harder on the ol' bootstraps because duh, our problems are so easily dissolved with some soap, water, prayers and a lil me time.
This whole experience has led to some deep thinks for yours truly. Maybe these dudes were looking at you but you just didn't notice. There are many of you who are in the beginnings of your divorce story. I am the same Jenny now that I was before I started this thing back in March. Aren't you the one who only likes tall guys, Jenny? It was all going well! And there we were, thinking it was those work-shy Mediterraneans. The refunds I get might look big and exciting, but here's the deal: I break the refund down and divide it into 12 parts.